When I Run for President...

Our 2008 presidential election is shaping up to be an exciting one. The democrats already have a black guy, a latino (Bill Richardson), and a woman that are plotting their battle for the primaries. That should give Jay Leno jokes to last at least the next two years... "An Africian-American, Mexican, and woman all entered a bar..."

I'm just hoping World War 3 doesn't take place in the next 12 years before I will be allowed to run for the office. When the opportunity finally arises, I've already decided on a great campaign platform for my presidential bid:

First, I'm going to re-divide up all the states. Our state borders were created randomly, and nothing has been done about it yet. Social Security is a much more recent issue; we need to get back to this problem which has been left untouched for hundreds of years. It just isn't fair that Rhode Island is so small while Texas gets all the glory. Let's make things fair and whittle down Texas to just it's southern-most tip. No more bragging for them! This effort will also cause an economic upturn due to the enormous cost to reprint millions of books, maps, yellow pages, and road signs.

Next I plan to convert the United States to the metric system. Everyone (outside of Hickville, Arkansas) knows that the metric system has several advantages over our English measurements. These changes will again boost the economy when Americans are forced to develop and purchase new maps and measuring devices.

Last on my list is mandatory birth control. This idea alone will firmly sink my popularity ratings even lower then President W. As a forewarning to those who are reading this note, here's how it's going to work: All Americans under the age of 35 will be required to take a standard IQ test. If you do not score in the top 50%, your reproductive organs will be disabled. The surgeries will be paid for by our corporate sponsors ABC and NBC who will also be filming the entire process for their combined reality show "Extreme Makeover: Fear Factor!"

Now you might wonder why my campaign ideas really don't help the American people at all? Well, isn't that what most presidents do? Pass stupid laws which don't help anyone, hope nobody gets mad enough to kill you, and claim that America is prosperous because of your leadership. I call BS.

Under my leadership, America won't end up like the future portrayed in the movie "Idiocracy" because we'll all be too busy solving unimportant problems. Halfway through "Operation: No Balls" I expect I'll end assassinated by a castrated-Catholic-former Texan-gun owner who's mad because he now lives in Southwestern Dakota.

At least I'll be remembered for something. Study harder!

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